I should be studying right now.

Let me fill you in: I am on the train. It is reasonably early. It feels much earlier due to the significant lack of sleep on my part.

Nevertheless, I got on the train happily and took out my mound of notes, ready to settle into some productive learnin’ time.

Little did I know what fate awaited me two stations later.

I knew as soon as I heard the accent as they came on, talking at a volume somewhat similar to the bass at an outdoor rock festival. I knew that my lovely learning would suffer at the hands (or voice) of these people.

You know the type.

There were two of them, or so I thought. But then they merged with a guy in a suit who was sitting a mere one seat down from me. They quickly took over 2 whole tables and whipped out 2 laptops and, I kid you not, a large printer, and began a rather thunderous discussion about screen sales. Now let me tell you, I’m sure screen sales is a fantastic topic and I would, of course, be prepared to have a lively debate on the topic someplace someday, but the early train to Dublin isn’t quite the place I had in mind.

Not that this hasn’t been an educational experience. I’ve now learned that ‘hmmmmmmmmmmmm, if the production were to be reduced next month, the FDS would approve the more favourable sales, more favourable products, and this has no bridging in there at all’. Apparently this cryptic speak makes perfect sense as much nodding and agreement ensued. The whole fiasco seems to be run by the loudest of the three: the female. Seems to be that this lady could be followed around with a camera and David Attenborough style speaker in whispering narration:

‘Watch as the female raises her voice to speak, a known sign of lower intelligence in the species. See the indication of her clear impatience as she shows the older male how to print from the laptop computer apparatus, and notice the scathing remarks that will surely follow’.

Icing on the cake: she has a throat-clearing tic. Am now convinced this is person JK Rowling based character Delores Umbridge on. Am stealthily looking for pink bow but have not seen one as of yet. Must be in disguise.

Have I mentioned mt ability to attract all the crazies on the train? I have yet to have a completely uneventful train journey to Dublin. They’re normally relatively innocent but completely bonkers, and spend much of the journey talking to the person reflected in the window in a lively fashion (or a half bottle of water that received a multitude of insults in one case), pausing every so often to laugh dementedly. This will only happen when there are no other seats available on the train. In Italy I ended up sitting beside a loud middle-aged man who whistled and loudly expressed his appreciation at any person of a vaguely female status shuffled by. It appeared he was in some pain as he exclaimed ‘Aw, bella! Bella Donna!!’ (Yes, the two exclamation marks are quite justified) and a tumbling stream of Italian that I neither understood nor cared to judging by the semi-shocked look on these people’s faces. He really defined the stereotype. I felt as though I should probably have changed into something green, started drinking Guinness liberally, and singing rebel songs in a delightfully red faced and out of tune manner, just to keep with the general swing of things.

Update: They have printed about 6 trees worth of very exciting looking spreadsheets and are now talking about payrolls. Ah, yes indeed, it appears that they are to reduce their cash-flow. Apparently the FDS will approve of this. Also, if they reduce the margins on the June spending, they may be able to keep James on full-time. Now this had been worrying us, as James has become the popular character amongst the other passengers and I. This is probably because he’s not here and couldn’t possibly be quite as deafening as the others. I think we collectively (and affectionately) think of him as the joker/popular man of the lot (Because there has to be one and these three are as dull as ditchwater). Oh James! James is a real George Clooney character in our eyes. His fate has become the talk of the carriage. I can hear all of the passengers in the near and far surrounds breathe a sigh of relief at the welcome news that he shall retain his job. It was iffy for a wee while there.

On that note, I think I shall leave you. It appears there’s a celebratory party happening down the other end of the carriage in honour of James, and I think he’d want me to be there. Must dash, see ya later!